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Bear

And now my impression of my cat getting her toenails clipped:

It’s good to be a cat. Nay, it’s good to be this cat. This cat right here, for I am the best of all cats. No other cat can touch me. Especially that red cat that hangs outside the bedroom window some nights. I hate that cat.

Oh, look, here comes the big ugly cat that brings me my food. Wow he is unattractive. How can a cat be six-feet-tall and wear clothes?

Hey, are you here to bring me food? I could eat. I might throw up on your bed afterward, but I could totally eat right now. No, I don’t really feel like being picked up right now, but if it leads to food, I’ll accept it.

Wait a second? Why are you holding a bath towel and toenail clippers? No. No! I don’t want my claws trimmed! I need those to trash your furniture and occasionally give you moderate to severe skin injuries. Stop! Put me down, you fiend!

The ugly cat has wrapped me in a towel. The smaller ugly cat is laughing now. She said I look like a “Purrito.” You’ll pay, lady. I was just beginning to like you. This towel had better be clean. It probably isn’t knowing this guy.

He’s grabbed one of my paws and pulled it out of the “Purrito” He thinks he is going to clip these claws. I’ve got some news for him. The domestic cat has 517 muscles in her body. It allows us to move the top and lower halves of our bodies in opposite directions.

Like this.

Haha, I’m free! I’m going under the bed. I’ll be back later to barf on your shoes, jerk.

30 seconds later:

Hmm. I’m bored under this bed. Why did I come under here? I think I’ll go patrol the perimeter of the living room. Hey, there is the big ugly cat walking up to me. What does he want?

Oh wait. …

No, kitty doesn’t want her claws trimmed! If I were a human this would be considered a hate crime! Unhand me! Ahhhh!

Clip.

Oh no! He got one. Now I only have 13 more to tattoo you with while you sleep, which as sure as you are born, I will do.

Clip.

Let me go! I’m 10 years old. That’s an elderly person in cat years. If I were a person, you’d get extra time added on to your sentence!

Clip.

How can you do this to your own kind, big ugly cat? Have you no sense of camaraderie with your fellow felines?

Clip.

OK, look what you did. I’m hissing. I hate hissing. But I’m hissing now. You’ll pay. You’ll pay big.

Ten more clips. What seems like 10,000 years passes. The big ugly cat releases me. I walk, no, prance, on my freshly shorn claws.

I kind of like it. It’s comfortable. I could get used to this.

Fin.

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