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Casey Freeman
Casey Freeman

I’ve been on a bit of a bender lately.

I thought I had everything under control, but just a sip here and toke there and a long evening tonight and late morning tomorrow all adds up and pretty soon you’ve watched entire seasons and even the behind-the-scenes crap of “Intervention.” Years ago I swore I could quit on my own and I’d choose my job, friends and family over a program about people addicted to stupid stuff, but this reality TV show dug its grip into me. Deeply.

A friend originally got me into the show. We’ve been partiers together for forever, but he was always a lot more into TV than me. One day, he said, “Yo, you ever see this show where they follow around these junkies who are about to face their friends and family?”

So, I started watching it.

Sometimes I try to put myself in their position. What if my closest acquaintances told me I needed to quit whatever I was addicted to? Right now, I think my addictions are just lip balm, food, air and a few beers from time to time. Would I quit all that or risk losing my friends? Yes, I think that would be fine.

Even now for no reason except to do it, I take a month off of partying. I don’t quit because I don’t want to. However, I also don’t have the same problems about quitting as the people on this program.

While seeing people mess up their lives can be fun and funny, I don’t know the morality of finding this show entertaining. I honestly find the most interesting part of the show to be the reasons why these people started their addictions. Were they in an accident? Bored? Bad friends? Too many live music concerts?

The cause of addiction that seriously horrifies me the most is child abuse. Luckily, I’ve never dealt with anything of that sort.

Unfortunately, watch a few episodes of “Intervention” and you’ll see way too many addicts treating their abuse — whether physical, mental or sexual — with drugs and alcohol.

My parents punished for being bad, but I was never abused, so I can’t imagine what that does to a child. I took a few psychology classes back in my undergrad days, so I think those few hours and my constant watching of “Intervention” prepared me to solve some of these addiction situations. It’s a little drastic, but I think that’s okay.

Here’s my plan to reduce addiction resulting from childhood abuse: castration, spaying and neutering.

Not of the addict — of course — but of the perpetrator. If a guy thinks raping little girls is a fun drunk activity, then snip his balls off. Problem solved. Then maybe after years of counseling the former abuser can have them reattached and — no, just make dog treats out of pedophiles’ ex-testicles. Then use the profits from the doggy snacks to fund addiction programs.

You know, it doesn’t even matter if the abused person became an addict, neutering the pile of dogshit that purposely harms a child seems like a decent course to take.

Hopefully, none of you are serious drug or alcohol abusers. However, if you are, check out or a recovery center near you. If you’re a pedophile and child abuser, you can always do the planet a favor and commit suicide.

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