Comet C/2019 Q4 was expected to remain beyond the orbit of Mars as it hurled through the solar system, rocketed past the sun and zoomed back into interstellar space from whence it came.

Bear

Scientists and the remaining humans who believed the news found themselves slack jawed with wonder when the comet slowed down at the asteroid belt and made a left turn straight for Earth.

The comet broke into 120 equally-sized pieces just beyond the moon. Commentators on one cable news channel began to publicly speculate as to whether what appeared to be intelligent life would want to immigrate to the United States and get on welfare. At least one head-of-state began grumbling that the construction of a “big beautiful wall around space” was urgently needed.

Panic struck social media, but surprisingly, the streets remained calm. No one, it seemed, could be pulled away from their smartphones, not even for an imminent alien invasion. If a movie comes out, it will be called “The Day the Earth Refused to Look Up.”

As the flying saucers entered Earth’s airspace, they blotted out the sun as they were each the size of Rhode Island. Were they here to conquer us? Exterminate us? Probe us?

No, as it turns out, the aliens were coming for the people of color of Earth to take them to a Utopian planet where they would be treated with respect. That was according to a disembodied voice emanating from one of the space craft. The voice had a thick New York, Puerto Rican accent and sounded unhappy.

White people were outraged.

“Why this is just reverse discrimination,” shouted a blonde man in a peach polo shirt. “I demand to come aboard. When is the White Man going to catch a break around here? Racism isn’t even real. Fake news!”

The protester was summarily vaporized by a ray gun from the spacecraft.

The voice, now highly agitated, continued.

“Anyone else with a comment,” it inquired as the ray gun waved back and forth in a highly rhythmic manner.

“No, I think we are good,” I chimed in as I gazed down at the pile of ash and peach polo shirt. “Sorry about that guy.”

The people of color of Earth climbed aboard the Rhode Island spaceships and were gone forever. Some white people rejoiced. But they soon learned that the aliens had taken all of the wonderful culture white people had borrowed — some might say stolen — over the centuries. Musically, all we had left was Lawrence Welk. The aliens also left R. Kelly and Chris Brown.

As for food, only two spices remained — salt and less salt.

Sadness soon gripped the land. White Supremacists committed suicide in droves. They had no one left to hate, only the pale face in the mirror scowling back at them.

It worked out for me. The aliens took me as a “specimen” for research. On this diverse world, I am legally a slave. But I’m totally OK with that because I get all the carne asada and rock’n’roll I want. And let’s face it, without carne asada and rock’n’roll, being white just ain’t that good.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme

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