In 2020, The President lost the election but didn’t want to leave office. No one knew what to do, or they didn’t care as long as poor brown people suffered needlessly.


Luckily, the Smartest Minds Among Us (not me) devised an ingenious plan by which The President was convinced that Proxima Centauri is a verdant planet waiting to be colonized by a great man, nay, the greatest man in the history of world.

Furthermore, they explained, on Proxima Centauri, McRibs grow on trees and taxes pay you. The planet also has an endless supply of young, hot eastern European women, so you can never run out of wife upgrades, they told The President.

After the Smartest Minds Among Us explained the definition of the word “verdant,” to The President, unsuccessfully for nearly an hour,  he gave a 95-minute-long speech. In his speech, he blathered on about how, having conquered Earth, he would take his unquestionable genius to space and probably build the “most beautiful hotel and resort in the universe.”

Then he and his ilk boarded 750 supersonic rocket ships and blasted away from Earth forever.

No one told The President that, based on present technology, it would take 6,300 years to reach Proxima Centauri. Once there, the supersonic rocket ships would burn to a crisp because Proxima Centauri is a star, not a planet. The Smartest Minds Among Us weren’t sure that The President would have grasped the concept of stars not being planets anyway.

To be fair, and to avoid charges of liberal bias, the Smartest Minds Among Us forced Michael Moore and Neil Degrasse Tyson to accompany The President on his long trip to nowhere. Moore yelled for four-and-a-half-hours about the need for equitable distribution of McRibs upon arrival at Proxima Centauri, and Tyson wrote what he thought was a clever Tweet concerning spectral analysis of Red Dwarf stars.

To make the trip a little more unpleasant, the supersonic rocket ships were stocked with nothing but vegan food, and not the good kind: Ersatz chicken nuggets and gluten free lasagna sheets with no sauce.

After a good chuckle, the Smartest Minds Among Us set about solving the myriad and awful problems facing the pale blue dot on which the rest of us remained. Giant fans were installed at the edge of space to cool off the overly warmed planet and enormous nets scooped up the plastic sarcophagus choking the world’s oceans.

Here in the United States, there was a lot of explaining to do. All assault rifles were confiscated, melted down and converted into dually trucks to be give to any Mexican or Central American migrant unduly jailed in a dog cage at the border. All the trucks were painted a garish shade of yellow and detailed with red and green pin stripes, a color scheme only Mexicans and Central Americans would find cool.

The moat at the border, long since relieved of its alligators and snakes — which were upgraded into boots and wallets by resourceful Mexican craftspeople — was filled with kittens in an effort to be more welcoming our southern neighbors. Really, it is more of a ball pit than a moat.

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