Casey Freeman

Manners seem to be fading fast in this country, and it’s not just the kids these days.

I worked at fast food restaurants and some nice hot spots, which I think gives me a better view of what you should and shouldn’t do when you’re eating out. I think everybody needs to work at a restaurant for a while, at least to experience what type of job and life it is.

So, when you want a nice meal at a restaurant: why do you…

Why do you grab your waitress’s ass?

You’re a douchebag.

You’re an absolute douchebag.

You secretly hope the waitress studies Krav Maga and will break your hand.

Why don’t you take your crying children outside?

You don’t respect people around you.

It’s your first day of babysitting and you thought it’d be a good idea to go out for a meal.

You like death stares of other eaters that just want a quiet meal.

Why do you allow your children to watch stuff on YouTube at full volume?

You’re wondering how to make your life worse in the future.

You find pleasure in creating simpler minds.

You enjoy annoying others while not using this time to enjoy your actual children.

Why do you send food back to the chef?

The food was gross compared to the frozen pizzas you’re used to.

You have an engorged rectum in your palate.

You read how this worked once while trying to get a freebie.

Why do you snap fingers at your waitress?

You’ve caught the dancing disease.

You’re French or saw a French movie.

You understand that in most non-English speaking countries, snapping means you want the cooks to wipe their balls on your food.

Why don’t you tip?

You should not be here in the first place.

You need more money from daddy’s ATM.

You think car should be repainted with hobo pee.

Why do you say, “A restaurant job is not hard, all you do is take orders and refill waters?”

You’re an Idiot.

You were gene spliced with jock itch fungus.

You need to try bussing tables.

Why did you read all of this column?

You were wondering if it would get funny.

You’re on the toilet and bored.

You’re a fan.

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