GET BREAKING NEWS IN YOUR BROWSER. CLICK HERE TO TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS.

X

Hey Fantz,

Since some of us have both of our shots, and some of us have one, and some of us are still waiting for the next age group. When can we start “pervin’ dames” again? We are getting a little backed up, if you follow me, after a year or so of this distancing crap. Another question: If we have our shots, and a dame doesn’t, is that safe enough? Lastly, is it OK to refer to a woman as a dame? We want to be fully compliant. It’s such a strange time isn’t it?

—The Silver Foxes

Hi my dear Foxes.

What I would do to have old, saggy balls. I want a vaccine so bad. Whose needle do I have to rub to get some immunity jammed into this flabby arm?

Yes, we are living in strange times, that’s for sure. Although everyone is probably used to the weird life by now after almost a full year of a dirty and nonconsensual ride from a virus.

We’re all out of breath. Either from debilitating panic attacks or battles with COVID. Some of us have become agoraphobic while others blossomed into social butterflies, traipsing about town like they’re Lauren Boebert with a Glock on her hip and a Hamm’s in her hand.

Speaking of hips (I’ll get there).

Dame isn’t offensive. I mean, the way you say it is, but it’s actually an honorary title in the U.K. — the broad’s version of knighthood. Like Dame Judi Dench, Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Julie Andrews, Dame Christy Fantz, etc. They get a fancy title for making contributions to activities like drama, arts, culture, cream-of-the-crop writing, etc.

Now broad, on the other hand, is probably a bit antiquated and offensive. But I don’t care because I have the floor here. And I’m a broad. Urban Dictionary told me that it is “less respectable than lady but much more respectable than bitch.”

So there.

Look what else I learned: The term originated in the 1930s, derived from the fact that the most defining characteristic of all females are their hips, which are proportionally wider than the hips of their male counterparts.

Hips don’t lie, my friends.

Anyway, aren’t you all ancient enough to be in the first wave of shots for the elderly? But really, good for you, Foxes, for getting shots. I’ll do some shots for your shots tonight.

I can’t have any of you croaking on me just yet, especially from coronavirus. We still have to get coffee again before you all hit triple digits in the age arena. Which is why you should not be “pervin’ dames,” my dears. Don’t you dirty old men need to snort at least two Viagra to even get a little electricity running through your diapers?

And fiber supplements can help with your constipation.

Oh, not that backed up. Gross.

Have you read any recent literature on pornography on the World Wide Web? It’s free. You can even pop an incognito tab while you pop a pole so your wife doesn’t beat you with a pillowcase full of oranges.

We are in a pandemic, my dears, you can’t just go expose yourself on Pearl Street and hope a stranger wants to participate. Hang tight. Hopefully we’ll all be vaccinated by fall, then you can go perv it up. Until then, get back in your recliner and whack off to the bra section of the J.C. Penny’s catalogue.