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What in the fresh hell is going on here?

You know what? I don’t care.

We all have covid and America looks like the discarded two-ton tampon Momma Brontosaurus pulled out and tossed into what we now call the Grand Canyon.

Back in those ~days, a 6-pound, 8-ounce baby Jesus took his joyride down Mary’s birth slide and shot out with a semi-automatic gun in his paws.

“Pry it from me. I dare you,” baby JC said, in tongues.

JFC, chill out. (I’m fluent in tongues. Especially single ones.)

Tiny Jesus nicknamed his bullet sprayer Super Soaker, which later became Mary Magdalene’s nickname because “she was such a whore,” according to the scribes.

“Village bicycle, that woman,” the apostles said, lounging around in the nude, moisturizing their inner thighs. Nazareth’s weather often called for more Aveeno, lest skin become chafed beneath their dresses.

Robes. Whatever.

Then God, enamored with the infant’s birth toy, waved his wand over the semi-automatic weapon (without its consent) and impregnated it with duodecaplets (that’s 12). The gun — who bled out and died shortly after childbirth because she wasn’t allowed to abort the dozen fetuses — gained short-lived notoriety when Us Weekly splattered her face all over its tabs, dubbing her “Duodeca Mom,” giving Octo Mom a run for her money.

“It’s a good thing those babies caused her demise,” said The Council of Men. “Who would want to put their clip in that stretched-out mess after that whole arsenal came out? Gross.”

The fresh-born armaments were then quickly impregnated and the weapons began to multiply like Gremlins that sashayed through WaterWorld then destroyed some after-midnight gluten-free pizzas.

The weapons kept growing and growing and growing. The one day the surplus reached such a a ridiculous amount that baby Jesus, who changed his name to Big Baby Jesus, The OG — “The OG” in case a rapper in the teensies, (2010s, layhomies) also changed his name to Big Baby Jesus — turned the guns into wine.

But the guns kept breeding faster and faster and the apostles kept getting drunker and drunker so here we are today.

That’s the story of how guns were born.

Covid: The NextDoor edition

Big Bob and Cindy Lou Poo: Hello neighborhood fam. My wife and I got covid and our neighbors dropped off dinner for us. I just wanted to share this delightful news because it was such a pleasant surprise. There is good in the world out there. Thank you, neighbors. *slightly smiley face*

Marque on Mapleton: What did they cook for you? What if you were allergic to it? How can they assume you eat everything they eat?

Penelope on Pine: Yeah, I bet it was a dead cow on top of pesticide-filled greens. You commies kill everything.

Hattie on Highland: I think it’s actually quite presumptuous that they even assume that you eat.

5th Street Smiths: The fact that they got that close to you and your wife is an abomination. You guys are all a bunch of super-spreaders and that’s why we will never be able to leave our houses. We will rot and die in here. Thanks Bob and Cindy.

Simon on 4th: Jesus, people, he was just trying to put a good story out into the universe. Calm down. You’re all invasive species.

Grandma, Bobby McGee and 7 million other people thumbs-downed this comment.

That was fun. I’m going to go drink myself to sleep. Wake me up when this shitshow is over.

Follow @fantzypants.